92 posts categorized "Humor"

Down With New Year's Resolutions!!

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Awwwwww, yeah. 

Talk about deeee-lish!

All this decadent sundae is missing is that little fire-red cherry on top. You know, I once heard they used crushed red ants to make that fire-red color. Is that true? Because that's disgusting if it is. 

Relax, yo. I know ants aren't kosher. But now I'm wondering why grasshoppers are. Dis. GUSTING!! What makes them kosher? They don't have split hooves, chew their cud, and they don't have fins and scales. And they look Grizzity Gross! Good Lord! You grasshopper-eatin' people are crazy!

Did I just get your appetites in high gear? 

Just yesterday I went to one of my favorite stores in the world, Home Goods. G-d I LOVE that store! I shouldn't be allowed in there. Every time I go, I think I need new pillows, throws, dishes, furniture, sheets, OMG there's nothing in that store I don't salivate over. 

I even bought pasta that was shaped like the Star of David for Chanukah. I'm that pathetic. 

So I was there yesterday and got quite an eye-opening lesson in mind control. In one day, they turned over nearly ALL the merchandise from Xmas themed to summer. Maybe elves did it? 

In the place of all of the yummy holiday themed cookies, cookie mixes, cake mixes, and everything else that I couldn't buy, stood a huge island of super healthy stuff. There were loads of cleanses, green drink mixes, collagen shakes for those who like to eat cow bones, and tons of other healthy looking garbage. 

I admit. I'm very jealous. All of those yummy holiday cookies weren't kosher, and these healthy cow hoof milkshakes aren't kosher, either. I would totally be drinking bone marrow shakes every morning!

Actually, no.

I wouldn't. I'm too lazy.

So my laziness is making me wonder...

What is the meaning of this ridiculous idea of a New Year's resolution? 

We all know we're not going to keep them (if we made any at all!) And why are we putting all of this pressure on ourselves? All of a sudden we're supposed to do some major life overhaul because it's January 1?

You know why this is such a mind control ploy? Because just a day before, the stores were crammed with holiday treats that could make you fat just by looking at them. And now, the stores are drowning in healthy green gook. Slime, even.

We're told what to want, when to want it, and even how much to want. 

Isn't that what advertising is? Uh, huh. 

I've decided to protest this nonsense of mind control and unrealistic pressure by running a campaign for the new year. I'm calling it: "DOWN WITH NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS!"

They mean nothing. 

And to symbolize my plight, I'm eating this decadent ice cream sundae just to say "TAKE THAT, NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION!" 

How you like that? Ain't nobody gonna tell ME when to stop eating junk! 

Seriously, my peeps, you don't need to wait until yesterday to decide that you're going to make a new start. 

EVERY DAY is a new start! And guess what! If you fail, you can just start again the next day!

There. Isn't that much less pressure?

And you know I'm going to be hitting the gym like nobody's business tomorrow, right? My stomach is literally making best friends with my thighs. 

G-d I hate holiday season!!! 

And another thing. Don't miss Rav Brody's weekly emuna class TONIGHT! Scroll down for full details. 

~Racheli


Like Riding a Bull...

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You learn about life from everything, especially from a Texas rodeo. When I saw the above scene, after breathin' easy that the cowboy ridin' that bull came out alive, I thought that life is like trying to ride a crazy bull - we try our best to hold on, but sometimes we get thrown, and pretty hard at that. OK, so we eat some dust, but there's always another chance for the strong of heart...

That's an emuna reaction. The reactions of the locals were different - I'll tell you what they were saying, and then how they said it:

Spectator #1: That cowboy had no business trying to ride that bull - "He dug up more snakes than he could kill."

Spectator #2: Ain't no way he'll come out of this alive - "He's tradin' in his guitar for a harp."

Spectator #3: What a brave cowboy - "He's double-backboned."

Spectator #4: After the cowboy got clear of the bull and was lucky enough to survive the fall - "He could sit on the fence and the birds would feed him."

Spectator #5: Describing how mean that bull is - "Like a tornado on a trail drive."

Our sages say that the evil inclination embodies itself in a wild bull (see Petach Ha'Ohel, parshat Behaalotcha). With that in mind, emuna can tame a bull much better than the most experienced cowboy can. So good Lord willing and the creek don’t rise, we'll see y'all in Texas soon for "Texemuna." For details, to arrange an event or set up a private appointment, give a holler to staff@breslev.co.il. 


The Laundry Lounge

 

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Check out my tricked out laundry lounge, yo. 

It's cool AF(alafel.)

I'm loving my new house, which is so luxurious, it even has a proper laundry room. You know, to do laundry in. Because what else would I do in such a room except hide from David and the kids? Sometimes a mom just needs some peace and quiet and a safe space. Word.

Seriously, who would think to look for me in that room? Like they even know what a washing machine looks like. It must be a magical process for them, this whole clean clothes thing. One minute, their stinky clothes are on the floor, and the next minute, they're folded up in their closets. Magical. 

Since I've got the laundry room all to myself, I thought I would celebrate:

a) the fact that I have an actual laundry room

and

b) the fact that I have a room all to myself.

Was that redundant? Sorry. 

So, what do you think? I'm in the process of turning my laundry room into the hottest laundry lounge in South Florida. You like the hanging lights? What about that lighted wax melter thing in the corner? What do you call those?

I don't know, but I do know that my laundry room is the BEST-smelling laundry room in the world. It smells like apples and cinnamon mixed in with detergent and fabric softener. Who could ask for more?

I'm actually thinking about hanging a chandelier and putting an Alexa on one of those shelves. That way I can enjoy all my favorite songs while she secretly records me yelling at the kids as I'm hiding in that tiny space between the dryer and the wall. I can fit there. I just know I can, okay??

But seriously, I'm loving this laundry room. It reminds me of the laundry room I didn't have in Israel.

I mean, I did have a laundry "area," but it was outside, if you may recall. The view was really nice, but the whole doing laundry at midnight when it's freezing raining or during the 104 degree heat of midday wasn't exactly my idea of fun. And now I'm just remembering how David and I always used to argue about me locking the back gate to the laundry jungle.

It was so annoying to have to go find my key and go outside again in the freezing/boiling weather to lock that gate before I went to sleep! Mr. Paranoia wasn't home most nights so I had to promise him I'd lock that stupid gate. So I promised. And I "forgot."
A lot. 

Yo, that's a third thing I can add to my list! Not having to lock any outside gates is sooo terribly convenient. Love it. 

Of course you know I'm going to pull some kind of lesson out of this nonsensical laundry rant. Well of course I am!

In two words: Appreciate Everything! 

This laundry lesson taught me that absolutely nothing should be taken for granted. Even a place to do your laundry is a gift. Even having a washer and a dryer is a gift! Do you know how many Israelis have no dryer because electricity is so expensive? It's a total luxury there! 

Do you have a car? Gift. Do you have your own master bathroom? Gift! Do you have a walk-in closet? SUPER GIFT! Are you renting and your appliances are included in your rent? SUPER DUPER GIFT!

Do you have eyes that work? GIIIFFFFFFTTTT! Ears that hear your spouse and kids complaining? Still a GIFT! A nose that smells and taste buds that taste? It's all a gift!

Look around at everything you have. Look at yourself in the mirror. Hashem didn't have to give us any of it - not our fabulous stuff or our fabulous looks. He's not obligated to us in any way. 

So let's thank Him for all of our gifts as much as we can. We'll not only appreciate them, but we'll even get more gifts! 

You know, I think I can actually squeeze a recliner in there. Maybe a little round shag rug, too. Would a Murphy bed bee too much?

Awwww, yeah. I've got plans for you, my 5-star laundry lounge.

~Racheli

BTW, don't get so lost in laundry room envy that you forget about Rav Brody's weekly emuna talk tonight! Check out the details below. 


Patience? I Ain't Got No Time For That!

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That line has got to be one of my favorite memes I ever did see. It's so ironically funny.

Well, this summer has been an endless test of patience. Finding schools and a place to live has been harder than I expected. 

Even getting our driver's licenses has been a challenge that we haven't yet overcome. Turns out yours truly, Mrs. Genius de la Geniuses, never actually officially changed her name. Like, legally. Like, ooops. I had no idea! 

I went to the driver's license place to renew my license and they said the system wouldn't let them do it because I never changed my last name. Well how was I supposed to know? No one told me! You would think the guy at the legal place where people go to get legally married would have told me that I'm legally supposed to change my name. 

Anyway. Check out this couch! It's so symbolic of how my summer has been. And it's really nice, right?

G-d I LOVE Costco!

Did I mention that whole little test of patience thing? Well. Basically it's been like banging my head against the wall to accomplish anything. Driver's licenses, school, finding a place, finding furniture, absolutely everything was and still is preceded by a brick wall. 

The original school we had planned on attending didn't work out. So we spent many weeks looking for a new school. B"H yesterday the kids were accepted to a school that I had not planned on looking at. And whaddayaknow? They have amazing programs in English and Math that can be individualized for the kids!

The area and apartment building we wanted to live in didn't accept us. At the last minute. Apparently there's a rule here of only six people maximum in a 3 bedroom apartment. Can you imagine if that rule were in Israel? Each family would have like, seven apartments! 

But finally, we found a house that's an actual house as you can see above. A real house. And affordable! I can't get over it. And the best part? The neighborhood is not only primarily shomer Shabbat Jews, but Israeli. That means no one cares if they hear you screaming at your kids from three doors down. Hopefully.

Oh, and there's even a shul in the neighborhood! A Sephardi one! Unbelievable, I tell you! 

The couch? Symbolic to the max. Do you know how many couches I looked at? How many arguments David and I had about couches? You can't imagine. But all the while, in the back of my mind, this couch was waiting for me in my imagination. At the last minute, just yesterday, we found it at Costco. It was love at first sight. The perfect balance of firmness and fluffiness. The perfect color and fabric and style. Just what I wanted.

Same goes for our kitchen table, which isn't set up yet. 

The main lesson I've learned from this summer is PATIENCE! 

I admit that I didn't and still don't have much of it. But I see very clearly that Hashem is definitely running the show, guiding us in the exact direction He wants us to move in. He's literally closed doors and opened new ones with such obvious divine providence, and it's an incredible thing to see.

I am so grateful for being forced to learn that patience is such a blessing. It saves you from tremendous stress when things aren't going your way. It helps you realize that you need to let go and let Hashem guide you. If your spiritual eyes are open, you'll see how everything will work out for your best. 

Ultimately, only Hashem knows what's best for each and every one of us. 

And if we can just remember that, imagine how much happier and more relaxed we'll be.  

Now I'm off do do some more serious damage at Costco. 

~Racheli

p.s.- Don't miss Rav Brody's weekly "Garden of Wisdom" lesson below! 


The Adventures of Princess and Cray-Cray

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Seriously?? 

Of all the pictures I could have posted of our return to Miami, I chose this?? 

Just in case you were wondering, David is Princess and I'm Cray-Cray. And believe me, it doesn't make a difference if we're hungry or not. 

So.... we're heeerreeeeee!!!! I can't believe it. I feel like I landed on another planet. Everything is so different here!

All week I've been yo-yo-ing from, "I'm so happy to be back!" to "OMG what have I done??

But who cares about my fragile and overwhelmed self? Let's talk about COSTCO!! Oh, Costco, how I've missed you so! I'm not going to lie. I really did miss Costco. And I can't believe how many things are kosher at my Costco! Kosher meat, chicken, all kinds of salads, cheeses, dips, snacks, good Heavens! 

And ADIDAS CLOTHING FOR $9.99??? Somebody pinch me. 

I just can't get over the selection and variety of food here! What am I going to do?? I walk around the stores in a slack-jawed daze, taking pictures, just in awe of everything. 

Another majorly shocking experience was Walmart. O.M.G. The crazy prices! The crazy selection! The crazy people! It was unreal. But my favorite part was seeing a guy driving his electric wheelchair up to the register next to us. He was playing Kenny G. so loud, he could have DJ'd for a club on South Beach. So I was checking him out and then I noticed he's got a Magen David, a cross, and about 4 other large gold religious symbols on his necklace. And his fingers were decked out with rings galore. Maybe he really was a DJ. Fascinating.

Oh, you know what else was shocking? Lowriders. Horrible. Forgot how horrible they were. Can anybody explain the logic to me? Does the fact that your head is vibrating and your eardrums are rupturing make that driver popular? Does a bouncing car really attract the "ladies"? What is attractive about this?? Horribly fascinating.

Here's another shocker. Miami is GORGEOUS! There seems to be a competition between developers to see who can get the top names to put on their buildings so they can charge top prices. Armani, Fendi, Lagerfeld, Reckles... I can't believe how over-the-top these places are! Infinity pools on the 50th floor?? An elevator for your car?? How do so many people have so much money? And more importantly, how do I get them to share some of it with me?

Miami has certainly turned into one of the world's premier locations for materialism. I can see by the looks of this city that our wise sages were right. Wealth is certainly a greater test than poverty. It's so easy to get distracted by the pursuit of wealth and all the fabulousness that comes with it. It's too easy to forget that it is Hashem that is the Source of all of this wealth and the potential blessings that it can bring. 

I suspect being poor is more likely to cause a person to cry out to Hashem, because they're in a position to need help. I don't think that's necessarily the case with rich people. I wonder if anyone's called out to Hashem while shopping at Cartier: "Hashem! Help me! I have too much money and don't know which platinum and diamond watch to buy!" Hmmmm. 

In other news, it's great to see so many people being obviously Jewish. Miami has several strong Torah-observant communities, and I'm looking forward to meeting lots of great people. 

In the meantime, wish me luck as I try to stay strong and not devour those ridiculously delicious and toxic Entenman's chocolate-covered donuts.  

BTW, if you haven't read my article this week, The Lost Check, read it now! It's one of my favorites! 

And could you do me a favor? I'd love to know which one of these Snickers bars you are when you're hungry! Send me a comment! 

~Racheli

And don't forget to check out Rav Brody's weekly emuna class! Details below. 

 


Just Be Real!

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It seems that humans aren't the only ones having identity issues these days. 

This little house cat self-identifies as a killer carnivore, one of the most dangerous predators in the world, the Bengal/Siberian/Malayan/Sumatran/I could list ten more types (of) Tiger. 

OMG did I just insult the cat by calling it little? Or a house cat? What if it thinks it's an outdoor cat or a stray cat? Could it sue me in court? Are these questions even allowed anymore?

So I was talking with a person I had paid to listen to me rant close friend about the whole fake issue. Okay, so she's a therapist. And she's one of my closest friends. You know, I'm starting to wonder if she really likes being around me, or she just finds me such a fascinating case study because I'm so not like other people here. 

It's funny that I said that because it happens to be a perfect lead-in to my point. 

Why so many people be so fake? I understand that some level of fakeness is good, like when you have to be cordial with someone that you secretly (or not so secretly) want to kill, tell off, kick off a cliff, or all of the above. It's great to learn to control your emotional urge to lash out at someone who upsets you. Racheli. Yeah, gurrl, I'm talking to you! 

Aside from proper etiquette, why is it so hard for people to be real with each other? Why is it always, "Baruch Hashem," when I ask people how they're doing? Like, I know that we're supposed to thank Hashem for everything, but where is it forbidden to say, "You know, my day really stinks. I overslept, the kid's not feeling well, and I'm up to my ears in dishes and laundry. Plus I ate a few too many carbs yesterday and now I'm all bloated and gross." 

Would it be so bad? Would someone stop being friends with you if you just told them how you felt about something?

What, exactly, would happen if you let your real feelings out? I mean, without insulting or hurting another person's feelings, of course!

But for some reason, we continue to act one way on the surface and another way behind closed doors. If you're like me, hopefully the windows are closed too, because if not, half the street can hear my kids' yelling and screaming.

But seriously, being spiritual and religious doesn't mean you have to deny your feelings and try to act as if you have no problems and no emotions. If you're worried that people won't accept you into their exclusive inner circle because you had the nerve to say you're having a bad day, or some issue is really bothering you, then you don't want those people as friends anyway.

So c'mon folks! You can do it! Who knows? Maybe you'll be an inspiration to others!

And while you're all busy getting all real'd up for me, don't forget to check out Rav Brody's shiur TONIGHT! Info is in the post below!

Have a great, rizzle-ed out day!

~Racheli


Yanny or Laurel?

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So I just found out about the latest internet insanity called "Yanny or Laurel." I ignored my friends' attempts to drag me into their immature nonsense because I'm like, sooo totally beyond that kinda stuff. 

Well. After two days of resisting their back and forth debates about utter stupidity, I couldn't take it anymore. I just had to find out what in the world they were talking about. 

And... I was right. It's utter stupidity. People! You should be ashamed of yourselves! This is what you're using your precious G-d given brain cells for? This is what you're wasting your limited time here on Earth with? 

But in all seriousness, tell me the truth...

Did you hear Yanny, or Laurel?

I just have to know! 

Oh, and what about the words mixed together? Which name did you see?

I saw both, and very easily. But I only heard Yanny. If you heard Laurel you need to get your ears cleaned out. 

Oh, and here's something important you should know! As embarrassing as it is, I'll proudly admit that I'm a HUGE Yanni fan. That means I not only know and play his music, but I also know how his name is spelled. 

It's Yanni. Not Yanny.

Now there very well could be a Yanny out there, but since I don't know him he doesn't really exist. 

Number two: there is a point to this post. 

It turns out that this great human experiment in time-wasting actually has a deep spiritual significance.

You see, you see what you want to see. You hear? You hear what you want to hear.

In other more coherent words, your reality is what you perceive it to be. 

Anything that you experience through your five senses, which is everything, is subject to your perception, your biases, your background, your morals (0r lack thereof,) etc. 

Therefore, each person's reality is completely different and unique. This has so many implications. And this is why we must always take into account another person's point of view, especially when we're having disagreements with each other. To that other person, they are right because that's the way they view the issue. Their reality is all they see, and sometimes it's very hard to get them to see beyond that.

Which is also why we should take things with a huge grain of salt when we hear others talking about things that we didn't personally experience. Again, their perception of whatever happened was real only to them. It does not mean it really happened the way they said it did.

Amazingly, this is why the Torah demands two kosher witnesses when a person is being accused of a wrongdoing.

Even more amazingly, I managed to turn a complete waste of time into something we can learn from. 

But honestly, doesn't it beat listening to the news?

Have a great day!

~Racheli

And don't forget to check out Rav Brody's weekly emuna talk below!