Talk about deeee-lish!
All this decadent sundae is missing is that little fire-red cherry on top. You know, I once heard they used crushed red ants to make that fire-red color. Is that true? Because that's disgusting if it is.
Relax, yo. I know ants aren't kosher. But now I'm wondering why grasshoppers are. Dis. GUSTING!! What makes them kosher? They don't have split hooves, chew their cud, and they don't have fins and scales. And they look Grizzity Gross! Good Lord! You grasshopper-eatin' people are crazy!
Did I just get your appetites in high gear?
Just yesterday I went to one of my favorite stores in the world, Home Goods. G-d I LOVE that store! I shouldn't be allowed in there. Every time I go, I think I need new pillows, throws, dishes, furniture, sheets, OMG there's nothing in that store I don't salivate over.
I even bought pasta that was shaped like the Star of David for Chanukah. I'm that pathetic.
So I was there yesterday and got quite an eye-opening lesson in mind control. In one day, they turned over nearly ALL the merchandise from Xmas themed to summer. Maybe elves did it?
In the place of all of the yummy holiday themed cookies, cookie mixes, cake mixes, and everything else that I couldn't buy, stood a huge island of super healthy stuff. There were loads of cleanses, green drink mixes, collagen shakes for those who like to eat cow bones, and tons of other healthy looking garbage.
I admit. I'm very jealous. All of those yummy holiday cookies weren't kosher, and these healthy cow hoof milkshakes aren't kosher, either. I would totally be drinking bone marrow shakes every morning!
I wouldn't. I'm too lazy.
So my laziness is making me wonder...
What is the meaning of this ridiculous idea of a New Year's resolution?
We all know we're not going to keep them (if we made any at all!) And why are we putting all of this pressure on ourselves? All of a sudden we're supposed to do some major life overhaul because it's January 1?
You know why this is such a mind control ploy? Because just a day before, the stores were crammed with holiday treats that could make you fat just by looking at them. And now, the stores are drowning in healthy green gook. Slime, even.
We're told what to want, when to want it, and even how much to want.
Isn't that what advertising is? Uh, huh.
I've decided to protest this nonsense of mind control and unrealistic pressure by running a campaign for the new year. I'm calling it: "DOWN WITH NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS!"
They mean nothing.
And to symbolize my plight, I'm eating this decadent ice cream sundae just to say "TAKE THAT, NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION!"
How you like that? Ain't nobody gonna tell ME when to stop eating junk!
Seriously, my peeps, you don't need to wait until yesterday to decide that you're going to make a new start.
EVERY DAY is a new start! And guess what! If you fail, you can just start again the next day!
There. Isn't that much less pressure?
And you know I'm going to be hitting the gym like nobody's business tomorrow, right? My stomach is literally making best friends with my thighs.
G-d I hate holiday season!!!
And another thing. Don't miss Rav Brody's weekly emuna class TONIGHT! Scroll down for full details.